Speaker 1 (00:03):
Conan, you're on. Conan. Conan.
Conan O'Brien (00:48):
Oh, yes. Oh, where is that shoe? Come on. Come on. Come on.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Conan, everyone's waiting. Conan.
Conan O'Brien (00:59):
Okay. Give me a minute. It's down there. Okay. I see you. Come on, shoe. Where are you?
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Please welcome, four-time Oscar viewer, Conan O'Brien.
Conan O'Brien (01:42):
Thank you very much. Thank you. Please sit down. Seriously, sit down. You never stood. Okay. All right. Hi, Demi. How are you? That was weird. Yeah. Awkward. I'm missing some car keys. Anyway, this is very exciting.
(02:02)
Hello. I'm your host, Conan O'Brien. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I know what you're thinking, "Did Conan not have work done? Seriously, he looks his age." I should have done something. I am excited to be here. Welcome to the 97th Academy Awards. It's Hollywood's biggest night but it starts at 4:00 in the afternoon. Everyone here just had brunch. I don't understand it, but it's the Oscars, and I say, let's do this thing. You ready to go? I am.
(02:45)
I'm walking to show I have control of the stage. A Complete Unknown, A Real Pain, Nosferatu. These are just some of the names I was called on the red carpet. I think two were fair. We're here to celebrate the movie industry. What a year for the movie industry. Netflix leads all studios with an impressive 18, count them, 18 price increases. Yes. And I think they can beat that next year.
(03:31)
And how about those ladies, Ariana and Cynthia? Weren't they amazing? They were incredible. Wicked is nominated tonight in 10 categories. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the perfect movie for anyone who's ever finished watching The Wizard of Oz and thought, "Sure, but where did all the minor characters go to college? That's the story."
(04:05)
I loved The Brutalist. I really did. I loved The Brutalist. Yeah. Brutalist also received 10 nominations. Yeah. No, I loved The Brutalist. I really did. I didn't want it to end, and luckily it didn't. Conclave. I'm a Catholic boy. I love Conclave. Yeah. Yeah. Movie Conclave is nominated for best picture tonight. If you haven't seen Conclave, its log line is, "A movie about the Catholic Church, but don't worry." You got to hold on that one and just wait. Yeah. And then it comes rolling back at you. Ralph Fiennes is excellent in Conclave. Yeah, you are, excellent. True fact, this is actually Ralph Fiennes third time being nominated. Yeah. If he doesn't win tonight, we all get to call him Ralph, "Hey, Ralph, get me a towel." Can't tell if he's laughing or not. It doesn't matter. Not getting paid a lot.
(05:24)
Hey, you know what? I loved Anora. I really did. Yeah. I loved Anora. Yeah. Yeah. True story. Little fact for you. Anora uses the F word 479 times. That's three more than the record set by Karla Sofia Gascon's publicist. Yeah. "You tweeted what?" I'm having fun. Karla Sofia Gascon is here tonight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Karla, if you are going to tweet about the Oscars, remember, my name is Jimmy Kimmel.
(06:34)
Before we go any further, I want you to know we did not use AI to make this show. No AI. Yeah. No AI. Yeah. We would never do that. We use child labor. Hey, they're still people. Of course, we lost little Billy, but that's sad, anyway. Another movie nominated for best picture is I'm Still Here. Incredible film. Yeah. I'm Still Here is about a woman who forges ahead alone after her husband goes missing. Yeah. When my wife saw it, she called it the feel-good movie of the year. Thanks, one guy.
(07:26)
Hey, Timmy Chalamet is up for best actor tonight. You're amazing, and you look amazing. I bow to you. Love that suit. You will not get hit on your bike tonight. Safe. An amazing actor. Timothy is nominated for his portrayal of Bob Dylan. Yeah. Yeah. Bob Dylan wanted to be here tonight, but not that badly. Timothee Chalamet is also in Dune 2. Yeah. Yeah. Dune 2 is nominated for best picture director, Denis Villeneuve. And guess what? I'm told he banned smartphones on the set of Dune 2. Did you know that? Yeah. Apparently his actors kept googling, "What is this movie about?" We'll hang afterwards, Timmy. It's going to be fun. That was a no.
(08:42)
You know, one of my favorite movies didn't get nominated this year, Baby Girl. Yeah, I love that film. Yeah. In the film Baby Girl, Antonio Banderas plays a man who doesn't know how to give his wife an orgasm. Banderas described it as the most challenging role of his career. Yeah. Should have come to me, man. Should have come to me.
(09:18)
Hey, big news recently, Amazon has taken over the 007 franchise and they just announced the next James Bond. Did you know that? Yeah. It's Amazon Senior Vice President of Global Affairs Steve Belsky. Ladies love him. Speaking of Amazon, we have some footage of Amazon Chief Jeff Bezos arriving tonight on the red carpet. This is great. Let's see if we can get out there. And here he comes, and yeah, there he is. He seems undamaged. Hey, at least he made it. Wait, where's Jeff? What happened to Mr. Bezos? Oh, for God's sake. Why? Why? Look for him on eBay next week.
(10:28)
Let me explain what we're doing tonight. We have a great show, but before we continue, there are a few housekeeping rules I'm implementing to keep the Oscars running smoothly. Okay? First, if your acceptance speech goes too long, instead of playing you off with music, we have something much more powerful. We'll cut to John Lithgow in the audience looking not angry, but slightly disappointed. That just freezes you in your tracks. I could not keep speaking if I saw that. I couldn't. That's amazing. Thank you, sir.
(11:12)
And if you still won't get off the stage, I'm going to play hardball. I'm going to show one of your old headshots. Okay? This means you, Guy Pearce. There you are. I loved you with Guns N' Roses. You were amazing. It means you, Zoe Saldana. It's a nice headshot. And it means you, Timothee Chalamet. I did that to them, and so it's only fair to do it to me. Let's show it. Come on right now. There you go. Yeah. That was taken when I was 38 years old.
(12:11)
What'd you think of that bit, Mr. Lithgow? He's still committing. I love it. That's acting. That's acting. And finally, for such a prestigious night, it's important that everyone is properly dressed. Okay? You're dressed well. Adam.
Adam Sandler (12:42):
Conan. What's up, my brother? What's going on, man?
Conan O'Brien (12:50):
Adam, what are you wearing?
Adam Sandler (12:53):
What are you doing right now?
Conan O'Brien (12:55):
I'm asking you what you're wearing.
Adam Sandler (12:57):
Nobody even thought about what I was wearing until you brought it up.
Conan O'Brien (13:03):
You're dressed like a guy playing video poker at 2:00 AM, Adam.
Adam Sandler (13:06):
You know what, Conan? I like the way I look, because I'm a good person. I don't care about what I wear or what I don't wear. Did my snazzy gym shorts and fluffy sweatshirt offend you so much that you had to mock me in front of my peers?
Conan O'Brien (13:24):
Okay. I'm sorry. Adam, I apologize. I didn't mean it.
Adam Sandler (13:27):
I'm going. Off I go.
Audience (13:29):
No.
Adam Sandler (13:29):
Yeah, I'm leaving.
Audience (13:29):
No. No. No.
Adam Sandler (13:31):
I have to. It's not you. No, it's not you. It's him. He's the one … You caused this, but here's the-
Conan O'Brien (13:40):
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Adam Sandler (13:40):
You are all welcome to join me for a game of five-on-five basketball at Veteran Park tonight. Midnight tip-off. The guy from Nosterafu, where is he? He's on my team. One more thing, Chalamet.
Conan O'Brien (14:18):
There he goes.
Adam Sandler (14:18):
[inaudible 00:14:18].
Conan O'Brien (14:18):
Oh my God. Thank you, Adam. If I could change the tone for just one second. I'm going to do this right now. The people of Los Angeles have clearly been through a devastating ordeal, and this needs to be addressed and should be addressed. In moments such as this, any award show can seem self-indulgent and superfluous. But what I want to do is have us all remember why we gather here tonight, okay? Yes. We will honor many beautiful and talented A-list stars, but the Oscars also shines a light on an incredible community of people you will never see, craftspeople, artisans, technicians, costumers. That's right. I can't name them all. There are too many. Hardworking men and women behind the camera who have devoted their lives to making film. Now, yes, many people we celebrate tonight are not famous, they're not wealthy, but they are devoted to a craft that can in moments bring us all a little closer together.
(15:27)
Now, for almost a century, we have paused every spring to elevate and celebrate an art form that has the power at its very best to unite us. So, yes, even in the face of terrible wildfires and divisive politics, the work, which is what this is about, the work continues. And next year and for years to come, through trauma and joy, this seemingly absurd ritual is going to be here. I will not. I'm leaving Hollywood to run a bed and breakfast in Orlando, and I'd like to see you there. But the magic, the madness, the grandeur, and the joy of film worldwide is going to be with us forever.
(16:18)
So, without further delay, let's get things started. Now, I know in the past, this show has gone long. Okay? That's not going to happen. I'm going to run a tight ship. I'll say this clearly and I'm going to make it very plain. I am not going to waste your time tonight.
MUSIC (16:50):
Because that would be insane.
(16:53)
I won't waste time.
(16:53)
He won't waste time.
(16:53)
I won't waste time.
(16:53)
He won't waste time.
(16:57)
There's 23 awards to give. It's all timed to perfection.
(17:00)
To waste time on some idiocy would be a dereliction.
(17:04)
I won't waste time.
(17:05)
He won't waste time.
(17:06)
I won't waste time.
(17:06)
He won't waste time.
(17:07)
Why would I waste time?
(17:21)
There's no good reason.
(17:25)
It's such, such an audacious crime.
(17:25)
Audacious crime.
(17:25)
Now, for no good reason, sandworm from Doom II playing Chopsticks on the piano.
(17:39)
Hey, check it out, someone who's not even nominated, dancing Deadpool.
(17:42)
I won't waste time.
(17:42)
He won't waste time.
(17:42)
I won't waste time.
(17:42)
He won't waste time.
(17:42)
I won't waste time.
(17:42)
He won't waste time.
(17:42)
I won't waste time.
(17:42)
He won't waste time.
(17:42)
I refuse to waste your precious time.
(17:42)
He won't waste time.
(17:42)
He won't waste time.
(17:42)
He won't waste time.
(17:42)
He won't waste time.
(17:46)
I won't waste time.
(17:46)
He won't waste time.
(17:46)
He won't waste time.
(17:48)
I won't waste time.
Conan O'Brien (17:58):
Well, we're 40 minutes over.