Conan O'Brien (00:06):
Thank you very much. Big thanks to Amy Madigan for the wig. Thank you so much, Amy. Thank you for that. Hey, I am Conan O'Brien and I'm honored to be the last human host of the Academy Award. Yes. Next year, it's going to be a Waymo in a Tux, so check that out. No, it's great to be back hosting the Oscars. Last year, when I hosted, Los Angeles was on fire. But this year, everything's going great. Oh, you applaud that? That's weird. Security is extremely tight tonight. I just got to mention that. Yeah.
(00:56)
I'm told there's concerns about attacks from both the opera and ballet communities. They're just mad you left out jazz. I should warn you, tonight could get political, okay? And if that makes you uncomfortable, there's an alternate Oscars being hosted by Kid Rock. Yeah. It's at the Dave and Busters down the street. A lot of tickets for that. This is exciting. A lot of cool people are here, and some of them behind the scenes. Netflix CEO, Ted Sarandos, is here. And this is exciting, it's his first time in a theater.
(01:46)
This is what they're talking about, "Why are they all together enjoying themselves? They should be home alone where I can monetize it." So many great films this year. What an incredible year for film, wasn't it? Absolutely stunning. Yeah. I said that last year, but I was lying. No, this year is stunning. I loved Hamnet. I love Bugonia. Yeah. Weren't they amazing? Yeah, between Hamnet and Bugonia, it's been a big year for movies that sound like off-brand lunch meat.
(02:39)
I had a little Bugonia around 10:00, it's not sitting too well. On the ride home, you'll appreciate it. At the beginning of Hamnet, a message comes on the screen explaining that the names Hamnet and Hamlet were used interchangeably. Yeah. That's when I knew I'd better buckle up. Roller coaster. In Hamnet, William Shakespeare's wife, Agnes, gives birth by herself in the woods, or as we call that here in America, affordable healthcare. No. Too real for you, huh? All right.
(03:24)
F1. I loved F1. A popcorn movie. It was great. F1 was terrific. Yeah. F1 is up for best picture. It's the story of a race car driver who finally wins after deciding to go faster. Yeah. F1 received four nominations. F1 did so well, they're making a sequel, Caps Lock. Some of these, I do for myself. And ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Sinners. Yeah. Sinners' director, Ryan Coogler, said he declined to become a voting member of the Academy because he doesn't like judging his fellow artists' work. Yeah.
(04:30)
But the rest of you pricks seem to love it. One Battle After Another. I love that film. What a great film. Amazing film. Lots of memorable scenes from One Battle After Another. Best supporting actor nominee, Sean Penn, of course, got an erection at gunpoint. Yeah. And then Paul Thomas Anderson said, "Hey, let's put that in the film." I was in a movie this year. Yeah, I was in a movie with the lovely Rose Byrne. My costar, Rose Byrne, is nominated for best actress in If I Had Legs I'd Kick You. Yeah. It's hard to act in a scene with someone you've always had a massive crush on, but, Rose, you did a fantastic job. Admirable restraint.
(05:36)
This year, we've added a new category to the Oscars, Best Casting. Best Casting, yeah. Which means tonight, one casting director will win an Oscar, and for the rest of you, we've decided to go in another direction. They're dream killers. They are. A lot of lesser-known categories tonight, of course. We'll be honoring the best documentary short films. Yeah, best documentary short films. Or as I like to call them... What the hell's that all about? Best documentary short films, or as I like to call them, little sads. Did you watch it? I did. Did it make you sad? A little bit.
(06:43)
Amazon Studios didn't receive any nominations this year. Yeah. Also shut out Walmart, Alibaba, and Chewy. Why isn't the website I order toilet paper from winning more Oscars? It's the first time since 2012 that there are no British actors nominated for best actor or best actress. Yeah. British spokesperson said, "Yeah, well, at least we arrest our pedophiles." So we got that going for you. By the way, I have to say again, Michael B. Jordan, you were incredible. Incredible playing identical twin brothers, Smoke and Stack, in Sinners. Just amazing. I cannot get enough of this man. So as a special treat, every seat filler at tonight's Oscars will be Michael B. Jordan. Check it out.
(08:00)
By the way, how am I looking tonight, Michael B. Jordans? Leonardo DiCaprio is here. Sir, good to see you. I bow to you. He's the star of so many movies and the king of memes. He's the king of memes, this guy. Let's make a new meme with Leo right now. That feeling when you didn't agree to this. They'll pull that up in editing, live. Okay. We'll talk later. Tonight's Oscars are being watched by more than a billion people around the world. Yeah. Let's say hi to some of them. If you're watching from Spain, [foreign language 00:08:57]. If you're seeing us in Argentina, [foreign language 00:09:06]. And to our friends in Los Angeles, [foreign language 00:09:16]. [inaudible 00:09:20].
(09:26)
Yes, tonight is an international event. If I can be serious for just a moment, everyone watching right now around the world is all too aware that these are very chaotic, frightening times, okay? It's at moments like these that I believe that the Oscars are particularly resonant. Check it out. 31 countries across six continents are represented this evening. And every film we salute is the product of thousands of people speaking different languages, working hard to make something of beauty. We pay tribute tonight, not just to film, but to the ideals of global artistry, collaboration, patience, resilience, and that rarest of qualities today, optimism. So let us please celebrate, not because we think all is well, but because we work and hope for better in the days ahead. Now-